Donnie turned 10 on the 10th. Stevie will be 8 next week. We decided to have a combined birthday party for them because they have so many friends in common now. I spent a couple of weeks planning and tweaking and Saturday was the big day.
Don woke me on Saturday morning because I was crying in my sleep.
I had been dreaming of the family. We were all spending a weekend day playing in the background. Don was there throwing sticks to Ramona. Donnie and Stevie were chasing a squealing little girl with brown hair and blue eyes. She was wearing a red t-shirt and blue pants. She was beautiful. I knew instantly that she was mine. Ours. She was our daughter. I watched Ramona run circles around the little girl and thought to myself, "I haven't been a good Mom to her. I never realized I wanted her or loved her until this moment. But I do. I love her so much!" I began to think about how thrilled I was that he had the most beautiful name in the world for her when suddenly she fell into the pine straw that covers out backyard. Suddenly she was gone. As I realized that I couldn't remember her name anymore, I realized that I was dreaming. I realized this child wasn't mine. She's not there. We never had her. It hurt. It hurt so much that I started to weep in my sleep.
Don woke me.
"I just had the strangest dream. We had a beautiful little girl with brown hair and blue eyes. And then I realized she isn't real. And it hurts so much!"
Don, not realizing what was going on told a joke.
"No, Emma is here. Emily. She is just down the hall in her room."
Emma, was that it? No, I realized he was joking. He couldn't really know what was going on in my head. He sent Stevie in to cuddle with me for a little while. His cuddles helped, but now I can' shake the feeling that our family isn't finished. We are missing someone very important.
Emma?
Nora?
Rose? I can't remember her name, but I feel like we aren't complete until we have her.
I talked to Don about it yesterday. He is not as convinced as I am. I can't blame him. I have been the queen of the "We are finished, please don't ask me about more children" club for the past 8 years.
We haven't made any decisions, which for the time being means no, we aren't going to try to have another baby. Not that we ever tried in the past, they were just miracles that happened to us when we least expected it.
Where did this come from? Did this dream just happen because of the impending birthday party marking the boys growing up? What am I thinking? I am almost 35 and the boys are getting older. Do I really want to do this again? When I close my eyes, and see her little face in my mind, the answer seems so clear. In reality, the answer isn't as simple.
2 comments:
I think you should go for it. I don't think people ever regret deciding to have a child, but people often regret NOT having one (or one more, as the case may be). Good luck!
Wow, what an intense dream! Like you I have two boys, but the youngest is only 20 months. I can't envision ever wanting more children, but I like to think I would be open minded about it if the subject ever came up in our house. I wish you all the best as you explore the possibilities for your family.
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